Tuesday, 6 March 2018

Proud to be a Snowflake

The world is pretty fucked up at the best of times, but right now things seem to be becoming unhinged at an increasing rate. A quick skim through social media and it becomes apparent America is busy tearing itself in half; those still blinded by patriotism are furiously clinging on to the notion that Trump is a competent leader, while everyone else screams he should be in prison. In Britain, the entirely unnecessary Brexit referendum has given a voice to those we’d hoped had gone the way of the dinosaurs and proved that stupidity is still the dominant factor.

I think it’s fair to say the right wing has had a grip over the western world for at least the past forty years. Ever since Thatcher and Reagan cuddled up and introduced a new extreme brand of conservatism, there has been little trickling down to the masses as the top one percent insist on keeping it all. The working class, as a political entity, has been smashed, stripped of unions and rights, and doesn’t really exist anymore. In it’s place lies a breed of consumers, who live their lives drip fed by advertisements and encouraged throughout their education and beyond toward apathy.

But in 2018 there has been something of an awakening. A group of schoolchildren, survivors of the latest American mass murder, have had the audacity to open their mouths and challenge the status quo. And you’d better believe, the status quo don’t like it one little bit.

It’s easy to tell the right wing are rattled, because the propaganda has gone into overdrive. The usual drool has progressed to outright lies as they desperately try to pull back the tiny slippage of complete domination they have suffered. Some of the crap coming out right now would be hilarious, if it weren’t for the fact there are plenty of people willing to believe it.

For instance, did you know that if only the NRA had been around in nineteen thirties Germany, the Jews could have armed themselves and fought off the Nazis? Or that in the sixties, the NRA armed black folk to help them battle the KKK, a ‘Democrat sponsored terrorist organisation’? I don’t know about you, but when I think of the Third Reich and the Ku Klux Klan, I tend to associate them with being on the right. But apparently not; the GOP and its fanatics are rewriting history to suit their own particular brand of bullshit.

So, from hence forth, a democrat is the same thing as a liberal, which is the same thing as a socialist, which is the same thing as a communist. You hate America and you want to steal freedom. Go back to Russia. Yes, Russia; the same country that Trump is alleged to be in the pocket of, but don’t let the facts get in the way of your stupidity.

And if you think people deserve healthcare, or if you think we shouldn’t destroy the planet we live on, then you’re a ‘Snowflake’. I have no idea where this word suddenly came from, but it’s apparently a generic insult to be thrown at anyone who disagrees with Hitler.

I think we should take the word back. Come on, my snowflakes, let’s stand up and be counted. Let’s stop swallowing the bullshit of brain dead, redneck, Nazi warmongers everywhere, who insist on blindly doing the work of the handful of aging, white billionaires who actually cause all the damage. Jesus was a socialist. If it was good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.

Monday, 26 February 2018

Jewish Socialist Accused of Stealing Freedom

Prominent members of the National Gun Association have today launched a withering attack on a prominent Jewish Liberal.

In his best-selling book ‘The Bible’, Jesus Christ, 32 of Nazareth, made the controversial claim ‘it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven’.

“This is typical of the liberalists’ agenda, trying to undermine the fabric of our society,” said NGA spokesman Marvin Madbastard. “They are trying to steal our freedom to make millions in untaxed dollars and use it to buy the favours of politicians. The constitution defends the right of every American to unduly influence democracy while feathering their own bank account.”

Madbastard, who earlier this year stated that any American who does not own a bazooka is a Commie faggot, went on to label Jesus Christ a Freedom Hating Snowflake, adding “If he doesn’t love our country, then he should damn well go back to Russia.”

Sunday, 25 February 2018

The Winter Olympics is Bollocks

So, Britain has a record haul of medals from the Winter Olympics in South Korea, and I can honestly say, with hand on heart, I give not one jot. I mean, the WO is great if you’re Canadian, Scandinavian or happen to live in the Alps, but what possible interest could a nation like ours, which gets reduced to a swarm of quivering morons by half an inch of snow, have in such an event?

Let’s be honest. A true representation of a Brit at the Winter Olympics would be a bloke from Birmingham, gazing forlornly down the toboggan run, moaning that the council hadn’t been out to grit it.

My only personal experience of Alpine Sports is tumbling arse over tit down the dry slope at Llandudno, with a pair of skis briefly attached to my feet, and I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve ever met who would choose Switzerland over Spain as a holiday resort. So, the question I have to ask is, where do all these British Winter Olympians come from?

If you’ve seen the biopic movie of the British ski jumper Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards, you’ll know exactly where they come from. Edwards was a man whose greatest challenge lay not in summoning the courage to launch himself down a ninety-metre ramp and out into oblivion toward possible death, but rather in getting the British Olympic committee to allow him into their hallowed fold. See, Edwards made the huge mistake of not hailing from a rich family, and the stuffy, stuck up, old boys’ club that ran things didn’t like the cut of his jib one little bit.

British Winter Olympic athletes are the kind of people who can afford to spend half their life on holiday in the Alps from a very early age. Winter sports are extremely elitist if you happen to hail from a country where it only snows once every five years. The protagonists are not required to be any good, only wealthy enough to compete. And once they’ve had their jolly and come last in the giant slalom, they’re made for life as a member of the BBC’s small army of ‘experts’ who get to travel half way around the world to make dumb comments about a minority sport no one is interested in, being broadcast at three o’clock in the morning.

The Winter Olympics is bollocks for any British person who isn’t a TV presenter or a middle-class yahoo. Come the revolution, professional snowboarders from Middlesex should be first against the wall.