On the news this morning, Lance Armstrong told the BBC in an exclusive interview how, if given his time over again, he’d probably do exactly the same thing. His justification for turning to performance enhancing drugs was essentially that ‘cycling is really hard work.'
He has a point. All sport is hard work, which is why I gave up on it years ago. Who wants to spend their lives pushing their body to the limits when they could be lying on the sofa drinking beer and browsing online pornography? The government are forever telling us how we should all get involved in sport and lead active, healthy lifestyles, but frankly they can go fuck themselves.
I personally think the taking of drugs should be embraced in sport. We all saw how fast Ben Johnson ran after he’d pumped himself full of steroids, imagine how the world records would tumble if athletes were given free reign to cheat. We’d see supersonic performances in every event; miles run in seconds, javelins hurled clean out the stadium. In what is supposed to be an entertainment industry, do we not want to be entertained?
I therefore propose the world should stage an alternative games for people who like to imbibe, sort of like the Olympics, only with drugs. And not just performance enhancing drugs either; my games would involve special events for people taking performance ruining drugs. Imagine the fun we could have.
The Junkie Triathlon
Heroin users are not known for being the most energetic of people. But starve them of smack for a couple of days, then tell them there’s a guy giving away free skag at the other end of this torturous fifty mile endurance race. Give them a bike and a pair of swimming trunks and just watch the fuckers go.
The Drunken Grand Prix
Let’s be honest, the vast majority of people only watch motor racing for the crashes. If all the drivers had downed a bottle of scotch before the race, imagine the carnage as they were let loose in high powered racing cars.
The 400m Hurdles for People on Acid
There’d be no need for actual hurdles; we’d simply line up a bunch of guys and gals who were tripping the light fantastic and watch as they staggered around the track fending off attacks from hallucinatory dragons, goblins and Nazi warplanes.
The Viagra Marathon
Twenty-six miles with an erection is no easy feat. We’d line the route with glamorous, naked spectators and watch the poor bastards suffer as they staggered along behind their throbbing rods, desperate to bone every single person they saw.
The Angel Dust 4th Storey Window Long Jump
Think you can fly? Then prove it to us.
All games would be over in seconds, and would probably end up in a fist fight.
You see, the possibilities are endless. Who wants to watch boring, goodie two-shoes athletes competing honestly in sports, when they could be watching cheats, freaks and psychotics? The various governing bodies of world sports should be seriously looking into this as a possibility.