Wednesday, 10 August 2016

August Update

I spent much of the month of July attempting to drink myself into comfortable oblivion in a bid to escape reality, which has why there have not been any blog updates of late. My life, which never seems to run in a straight line for long, has recently been violently twisting and turning at a rate that has left me feeling seasick. My concentration span is down to less than five seconds, and I’m finding it damned hard to commit words to paper.

Still, here goes with the latest installment of this, the pretentious and largely unread thoughts of a worst selling novelist.

Early reviews for my latest book, The House of Fox, were not just bad - they were borderline vitriolic. I got the impression folk didn’t want to critique my work, so much as form a pitchfork wielding mob and turn up outside my home, demanding I be burnt at the stake for having the audacity to write such a piece of bullshit. ‘Puerile’ was the word thrown up the most often. My argument would be that of course it’s puerile; I wrote the fucking thing. It was never going to be anything but puerile.

One guy said he found House of Fox really boring, because he’d personally participated in all the lurid acts described in the book and there was nothing in there to excite his imagination. I can only say I take my hat off to the man, although I’m still not entirely sure as to whether he was reviewing the novel or boasting about his own sexual prowess.

One or two more positive opinions are slowly starting to drift in, but it’s safe to say House of Fox will remain firmly in the love it or hate it camp, with the vast majority of readers falling into the latter category.

In other news, the two ladies who have moved into my house have turned out not to be the rutting nymphomaniacs I’d hoped for, but rather a couple of fundamentalist Christians, who eat, sleep and drink Jesus. They never swear, watch only Christian movies, listen only to Christian music and pray before they do virtually anything. On laundry days the washing line is crammed with neat rows of eminently sensible underwear.

Many years ago I learned never to argue with religious types, as it’s such an utter waste of energy. Faith will trump logic, evidence, common sense and reality every time. I’m not the sort of fellow who likes to cram his opinion down other people’s throats – live and let live has always been my motto – but last night I got the feeling they were making a first attempt at trying to convert me, and if this scurrilous behaviour persists I will have no option but to return the favour and drag them down into my own, personal darkness.


So God, if you’re listening, I respectfully ask you to encourage your servants to keep their mitts off me, or I will introduce them to jazz, vodka and butt plugs. 

Friday, 1 July 2016

Welcome to the House of Fox

“They’ve got thrills and they’ve got shocks,
Juicy pussies, monster cocks,
Everything to tick your box,
Down in the House of Fox.”


 That’s right, the House of Fox – possibly the only erotic novel of the year to have its own theme song – is now available to buy.


As the country disintegrates and the establishment chase their own tails, why not take a break from the chaos and treat yourself to a trip to the ultimate hedonistic retreat? The House of Fox offers everything you ever desired, as well as things you never even knew you lusted after. It will bring out your inner devil, seduce you into forgetting your fears and abandoning your morals and lead you very much into temptation.

To purchase a copy - available in paperback or for eReader - choose from the following links


And be warned; if I don't sell enough copies of this book to finance my early retirement, I fully intend to inflict the sequel on the world. 

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Take a Peep at Peeper for Free

In the build up to the release of my third novel The House of Fox, Sinful Press are giving away free E copies of Peeper on Amazon.

Peeper is the story of a struggling private detective who stumbles into a case that is far bigger than anything he has ever dealt with before. Dragged further and further out of his depth, he becomes entangled in the world of a beautiful but manipulative exhibitionist. At the same time, his home life is being turned upside down as his bi-curious wife decides she wishes to explore her sexuality with another woman.


To claim your free, no strings attached copy of Peeper, click on the links below.

Amazon UK

Amazon US


Friday, 24 June 2016

Leisure Release Day

 Thank God it's a slow news day and nothing significant has happened in the UK in the past twenty-four hours to completely overshadow everything else that happens . . .



Leisure tells the story of a young woman named Alice, who is starting a new job in a council run sports centre. Full of hope and expectation, believing this to be the beginning of a dream career, she very quickly realises she has landed herself in an enclave of insanity, where the rules of society have been thrown out the window and the lunatics are firmly in command.

As Alice falls under the spell of the beautiful nymphomaniac Lucy, she finds herself being dragged ever deeper into the chaos, and must decide whether to join in or run for the hills.

Leisure is an erotic farce, full of smut, stupidity and surreal humour. It’s lighter and frothier than Peeper, not nearly so perverse, with the emphasis more on daft comedy than dark fetish. Having said that, there’s plenty of sauciness and ultimately a sort of serious message about how we all put on a different face in the workplace.

You can order Leisure here, for the princely sum of £2.05 

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Singledom

It has finally happened. My mad wife has fucked off and left me to go and live in a metal pipe in Cheshire.

The break up is all my fault of course. I was leaning on her, she said, and I can see exactly what she means. I wasn’t pulling my weight; all I did to contribute was work three jobs, six days a week, do all the housework, cooking and shopping, look after the gardens and supply the vast quantities of dope she smoked every day. When you compare this to her tireless efforts to sit on her arse watching telly and take two holidays a month, it’s really no surprise we’re heading for the divorce court. Just because I was suicidally depressed at the crumbling state of my marriage and the sudden death of my best friend is no excuse. I should have done more.

Plus I’m also to blame for the financial hardship we’ve had to endure these past four months. I recklessly frittered away my cash on stupid stuff like bills and food, while all the time she struggled to keep her engineless, leaking narrowboat moored in the most expensive marina in Cheshire. And I utterly failed to magic out of my arse the ten grand she needed to turn her floating skip into a working vessel.

What a cunt I’ve been.

Anyhow, one has to look on the bright side. I’ve two novels out this month, two riotous launch parties to hold, and now that I’m single I’m free to indulge in red hot rumpy pumpy action with a string of salacious females.


So form a queue, ladies; SJ Smith is back on the prowl.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

A Busy Month Ahead

Indeed, the month of June is set to be a frantic one. Not only do I have two novels – Leisure and House of Fox – coming out, but I also have two launch parties to prepare for.

The first of these parties will, on June 24th, see me jump naked out of a large cake. I have no idea where this will occur, as the plan is to place me in the cake several days beforehand, wheel me to an unknown location and – at a pre-arranged signal - I will leap up starkers and present myself to whoever happens to be in the vicinity. It might be a roomful of teenage hotties taking part in a bikini competition, or a meeting for Feminist Lesbian Ninjas, the fun is all in the not knowing. It should be a darn good day.

The second grand occasion will be a launch party in every sense of the word, as to celebrate the release of House of Fox I intend to literally launch myself from a giant catapult, made entirely out of women’s knickers, from my back garden. There’s no way of telling how far I’ll fly, but given the vast amount of elastic I intend to incorporate into this motherfucker, it could be anything up to three miles. So if you happen to live in the North Wales area, then don’t forget to look upwards on June 30th at seven o’clock, as you may see me go hurtling across the sky.

Plenty for me to do, then: bake a fuck-off big cake and somehow acquire forty-two metric tonnes of women’s underwear. And that’s before I even think about keeping up the social media campaign to mercilessly spam all my friends.


It’s hard work, this erotic writing lark.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Leisure

Another exciting day, as I get to reveal the cover of Leisure for the first time. Should be hitting your Kindle (or other electronic device of some description) June 24th.


Let's Get Sweaty . . .